Should I Spank My Kids?
Few words are as misunderstood and unappreciated in 21st century American church culture as "discipline." Whether it’s "church discipline" or disciplining our children, many of us cringe at the thought, and would much prefer to encourage love and grace rather than discipline (demonstrating that we don't really understand discipline, love, or grace in the first place). This blog is intended to help clarify not only that discipline is necessary, but also that it is good, loving, and gracious. In fact, as we’ll see, failing to discipline is profoundly unloving.
But let’s begin by defining what exactly we mean by “discipline.”
What is discipline?
The English word “discipline” finds its root in the Latin word discipulus, which refers to a student or pupil—someone following the example of a teacher. The goal of a discipulus was to become like his teacher over time through following his teacher’s instruction, training and acquiring new skills and habits, and/or general character formation.
It’s easy to see how words like “discipline” or “disciple” relate to the ancient discipulus. For example, we call a person who trains for a marathon by waking up at 5:00am every morning and going for a run, “disciplined.” Or we refer to someone who follows in the way of a teacher in hopes of emulating them, a “disciple.” The focus of this blog is on the training and instruction given by parents to their children; in other words, the discipline parents give to their disciples in hopes that their disciples become disciplined.
It’s helpful to think of this sort of discipline as a two-sided coin. On one side, is what is called “formative discipline,” while the other is known as “corrective discipline.” Formative discipline includes teaching and instruction to "form" good character, whereas corrective discipline utilizes some form of chastening to "correct" bad behavior or character. Formative discipline is thus a more proactive form of discipline, whereas corrective discipline is primarily reactive. When most people think of discipline, they typically have only the concept of corrective discipline (spanking, time out, etc.) in mind. Biblically, however, the formative and corrective are inherently linked; again, they are two sides of the same coin.
If parents bear a biblical mandate to disciple their kids (as we shall soon see), then it follows that they must discipline their kids. Notice that no one really argues about the importance of formative discipline by parents; everyone agrees that parents have a responsibility to teach their kids. But what is less well-received is the idea of corrective discipline—especially forms of corporal punishment like spanking (corporal punishment refers to discipline related to the body, from the Latin corpus).
This reluctance to corrective discipline has not always been the case though. In fact, for most of human history, most cultures affirmed the necessity, responsibility, and virtue of corporal punishment. In other words, this contemporary discomfort with things like spanking is a novel and modern phenomenon. This makes the sudden resistance to spanking among American parents over the past 50 years all the more surprising. So why are parents today suddenly so uneasy and embarrassed by corporal punishment?
Why Discipline is on the Decline
Cultural assumptions do not simply arise in a vacuum. Instead, they are guided and shaped by various influences. This is certainly true when it comes to the modern hesitancy regarding spanking. Therefore, when one takes into account the seismic cultural shifts that have taken place in Western culture recently, it is not shocking to see more and more parents abandon the traditional practice. Among those shifts are the following:
1. The death of original sin.
With the influence of post-Enlightenment philosophers, psychologists, and theologians such as Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Sigmund Freud, Carl Rogers, and others, there has been a pronounced cultural shift in contemporary thinking about sin. In particular, disobedience is considered to be less a reflection of inward transgression and more a reflection of external factors like culture or a child’s environment. In other words, in the battle between nature and nurture, nurture has won; in the battle between Augustine and Pelagius, most modern theories of child-rearing are Pelagian (more on that shortly). Therefore, parents today are much less likely to see the pervasive danger of rebellion, disobedience, and insubordination as symptoms of a deadly disease that lurks within the hearts of their little children.
2. The influence of pop-culture and pop-psychology.
Culture historically took its lead from prominent philosophers and theologians, but today we are more inclined to be influenced by the tweets and blogs of celebrities. Lebron James knows so much about basketball that surely he can be trusted to give sound parenting advice! Or what about Bill Nye or Neil deGrasse Tyson? They are scientists after all! Or maybe we follow the opinions of our favorite mom blogger who prefers a more progressive form of discipline that doesn’t wound the fragile ego of their precious child. Or we read a book or heard a lecture about the side effects of spanking, and so we’ve resolved to not make the same mistakes of previous generations.
3. A pragmatic and utilitarian view of ethics.
As our culture has become more obsessed with "what works," and "what works" has been defined in categories of what builds self-esteem or what makes children happy or some other such goal, it is easy to see why spanking would seem to be distasteful. As the idea of self-esteem and child dignity take center stage (as in the writings of the influential pediatrician Dr. Spock, not the Star Trek dude), anything that would seem to threaten that presupposition is thus a danger to our understanding of human nature itself. Rather than discipling children to understand the kingdom and to love Christ and His bride and word, parents have become more and more content to pursue their child's temporal comfort or happiness as a chief end. Parenting has become increasingly more about preparing kids for college or vocational aspirations, rather than for eternal glory.
4. The secularization of society and lessening influence of Scripture.
The fact that spanking has been practiced in most non-Western, non-Christian cultures (see middle-Eastern and Asian cultures for example) speaks to the transcultural principle of discipline. Like marriage, discipline is a form of common grace that God gives to all people regardless of religion, ethnicity, language, or race. At the same time, the objective foundation for corrective discipline is laid within the Christian Scripture. As our contemporary American culture is less and less familiar with Scripture and certainly less beholden to it as being inspired and authoritative, it makes perfect sense for what Scripture says regarding discipline to be questioned and rejected.
5. Reductionistic views on the meaning of grace and the love of God.
Whereas historically (and biblically), discipline was seen as gracious and loving, today a divide has been driven between grace and discipline as if those are antithetical. In other words, rather than allowing Scripture to define what is loving and gracious, we have allowed our culture and our feelings to do so. Unfortunately, our culture and feelings provide definitions that are contrary to the actual meanings of those terms.
Though the list of various streams of thought above is not exhaustive, these give us a good introductory understanding of the views which have led to a decline of the historical and biblical view of discipline—even among Christians!
With this in mind, it’s important to answer the question: what is that historical and biblical view of a parent's responsibility in discipline?
Put simply, this responsibility can be expressed in four complementary truths:
Discipline is good and loving.
Parents are commanded to disciple and, consequently, discipline their children.
Parental discipline must include both formative and corrective discipline.
Corrective discipline includes corporal punishment.
Where one of these truths are lacking, parents abdicate their responsibility and are forced to acknowledge that their parenting is being driven more by the culture around them than Christ. It is only by embracing a biblical perspective of discipline that fathers and mothers can begin to faithfully submit to God as they lovingly lead their families.
Let’s dive a little deeper into each of these truths, beginning with the first.
Discipline is Good and Loving
Most of the modern discomfort with corporal punishment and other forms of discipline comes from a misunderstanding of the nature of discipline. As a result of the philosophical shifts noted at the beginning of this blog, there is a nearly universal assumption in culture that corrective discipline is mean, harsh, and unkind.
Of all of the fundamental truths about discipline to grasp, this is perhaps the most important: discipline is good and loving.
Perhaps no passage better demonstrates this truth than one which portrays our heavenly Father's gracious discipline of His children.
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, (Hebrews 12:5–12)
Notice a few things:
Discipline is explicitly tethered to God's love.
God disciplines "every son" (or daughter), and those who are not disciplined are those who are not sons or daughters. In other words, God disciplines ALL and ONLY His children.
Discipline is ultimately for our good even though it is temporarily unpleasant.
This passage destroys the common cultural caricature of discipline as unloving or unkind. If God disciplines those whom He loves as an example of His love, then discipline cannot be inherently mean or cruel. Can discipline be abused? Of course! Any of God's gifts can be abused; but the potential of abuse does not negate the responsibility of proper use. The understanding that discipline is loving and good is a foundation for the biblical philosophy of parenting.
At this point, some might object that just because God disciplines His children, that doesn't mean that we should. After all, there are lots of things that God does that we do not. So, does the Bible tell us to actually emulate God in regards to discipline? In fact it does!
Notice how often this connection between the love and discipline of parents is drawn in the Old Testament wisdom literature.
Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. (Proverbs 13:24)
My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights. (Proverbs 3:11–12)
Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death. (Proverbs 19:18)
In each of these passages we see that it is love which drives discipline with the purpose being the good of the one who is disciplined. As these Scriptures attest, discipline is loving, cleansing, hopeful, and healing. Ironically, what is actually cruel and unkind is to refrain from disciplining those whom you love. In other words, those who fail to discipline their kids are not actually loving their kids; but rather, to not discipline your kids is unloving. If love is "doing what is best for others even when it hurts," and if "what is best" is defined by the Bible and not our own feelings, then it is clear that discipline for the good of others is inherently loving.
Parents are commanded to disciple and, consequently, discipline their children.
What is the role of a parent? Related to that, what should be the goal of a parent? Is it merely to keep a child alive long enough to marry and move out? Is it to prepare them for college or a good job? Is it to maximize their happiness and make them smile?
Biblically, the answer is simple: the role of a parent is to disciple their children in the gospel of the kingdom. In doing so, a parent is to commend the nature, character, and works of God, the glory of Christ, the good news of the gospel, the authority and sufficiency of Scripture, and the love of the body of Christ to our children. In other words, the role of a parent is discipleship. Though parents are not ultimately responsible for whether or not their children actually believe the gospel and love Jesus, they are absolutely responsible for whether or not they are faithful to train their children in that direction.
Consider the following passages that articulate this burden:
Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. (Deuteronomy 6:4–9)
Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, (Proverbs 1:8)
Hear, O sons, a father’s instruction, and be attentive, that you may gain insight, for I give you good precepts; do not forsake my teaching. (Proverbs 4:1–2)
Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart. (Proverbs 29:17)
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:1–4)
The reason it is so essential for parents to understand this responsibility is simple: unless one knows the end, one cannot know the proper means to achieve that end. For example, if the goal is to make a child happy, then discipline is certainly antithetical to that end. As Hebrews 12 says, "no discipline seems pleasant at the time." If the goal is just to pacify and please your children, then doing anything unpleasant is contrary to that desire. But if the goal is something deeper and more substantial, then it’s easy to see how discipline plays an indispensable role. In order to make disciples, there must be discipline.
But is formative discipline sufficient? Can parents merely proactively teach truth? Or must they also reactively correct, rebuke, and even engage in things like corporal punishment?
Parental discipline must include both formative and corrective discipline.
No Christian parent would disagree with the idea that we have a responsibility to disciple our children. But though nearly all parents would agree that discipleship includes formative discipline, many are uncomfortable with the other side of the discipleship coin: corrective discipline.
However, Scripture clearly attests to the necessity of both sides of the coin. Faithfulness in parenting not only involves instruction in good character, but also reproof and the correction of bad behavior.
Consider the following passages referencing reproof, discipline, and correction (in addition to instruction).
A fool despises his father’s instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is prudent. (Proverbs 15:5)
By mere words a servant is not disciplined, for though he understands, he will not respond. (Proverbs 29:19)
For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life, to preserve you from the evil woman, from the smooth tongue of the adulteress. (Proverbs 6:23–24)
Strike a scoffer, and the simple will learn prudence; reprove a man of understanding, and he will gain knowledge. (Proverbs 19:25)
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)
Note: The word translated "discipline" here in Ephesians 6:4 is the same as we find in Hebrews 12 of the reproofs and chastening work of our heavenly Father.
The fact that corrective discipline is commanded in Scripture is undeniable, and yet many parents are still uncomfortable with it. Why is that? Well, it is owing to many of the philosophical and cultural changes already mentioned above; but it is particularly rooted in a deficient understanding of mankind and sin.
Historically, there have been two main views regarding the inherent nature of mankind. On one side is the belief that mankind is morally good (or at the very least, neutral). Sin is, therefore, something that humans receive according to how each was nurtured rather than a consequence of humanity’s nature. In other words, we are not born sinners, but rather we become sinners through the influence of society and other external influences. This view was most popularized by Pelagius, who was formally condemned as a heretic at the Councils of Mileve in 416 AD, Carthage in 418 AD, the Ecumenical Council of Ephesus in 431 AD, & the Synod of Orange in 529 AD . However, as noted above, the heresy of Pelagianism never really died, and has crept its way back into Western theology through the ideas propagated by the Enlightenment, pop-psychology, and the Second Great Awakening.
In opposition to this view of the inherent goodness or neutrality of mankind, stands Augustine, or an Augustinian view of the nature of mankind. Augustine was a bishop in North Africa during the 4th and 5th centuries who argued against the views popularized by Pelagius. Augustine argued that man was inherently and naturally inclined toward evil. Man is not a blank slate or essentially good, but rather twisted and innately corrupted by sin. We do not become sinners because we sin; we sin because we are born sinners.
If that idea is new to you, it might be helpful to check out this Theological Equipping Class on the sinful nature of humanity.
But even those of us who agree that humanity is, by nature, sinful, find that the subtle influence of Pelagianism still creeps into the ways we think about parenting. We often don't like to think of our children as being wicked and evil. We know that they sometimes sin (that much is obvious to any attentive parent), but deep down we often believe that sin is just something that is external to them, rather than something at the very core of their being. We like to think they are just "being kids" or "don't know better," rather than admitting that their disobedience goes much deeper.
The following passage is helpful in articulating how depravity and discipline relate:
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. (Proverbs 22:15)
Notice that, as Augustine articulated, folly is not something that is potential or accidental, it is an essential attribute of children. It is bound up in their hearts, and discipline is the tool God has given parents in order to drive folly away. Though parents cannot implant a love of Christ in their kids, they can and must uproot foolishness, rebellion, and insubordination; and this cannot be accomplished solely by means of formative discipline. Instead, faithful parenting demands both formative and corrective discipline.
But what kind of corrective discipline?
Corrective discipline includes corporal punishment.
Again, all Christian parents would agree that we need to disciple our kids. Many would admit that we need to apply corrective discipline. But much fewer would then acknowledge that corrective discipline should include corporal punishment (like spanking, for example).
Here is where confusion abounds in the church. Should I spank my children? If so, should I use some sort of instrument, or my own hand? How many times is too few? Too many? Is spanking the only option? Or should I also use other means of corrective discipline (time out, taking away privileges, etc.)?
With these questions in mind, we must begin by asking: what does Scripture actually say about what form of corrective discipline should be utilized by parents? (Quite a bit actually!)
First, recognize that when it comes to corrective discipline, mere words are not sufficient.
By mere words a servant is not disciplined, for though he understands, he will not respond. (Proverbs 29:19)
While raising a voice or having a strong conversation is a part of the process, it is inadequate. Folly is bound up too deeply into the human heart to be uprooted by mere speech. The more deadly the disease, the more potent the prescription, and sin is no slight sniffle! Given the danger of the symptoms of folly, insubordination, and disobedience, the prescription is strong and unrelenting.
So what instrument, besides the voice, does God command for the sake of corrective discipline?
On the lips of him who has understanding, wisdom is found, but a rod is for the back of him who lacks sense. (Proverbs 10:13)
Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. (Proverbs 13:24)
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. (Proverbs 22:15)
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. (Proverbs 23:13–14)
The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. (Proverbs 29:15)
It is interesting that the "rod" is the only explicit prescription that Scripture gives for applying corrective discipline. Though the most famous biblical quotation on the subject, "spare the rod; spoil the child?” isn't actually in the Bible, the concept is thoroughly biblical; the sentiment is biblical even if the exact sentence itself isn't.
So what is a rod? In short, a rod was a stick carried around for various purposes, including self-defense and discipline. And in the wisdom literature cited above, the rod is functioning as a metaphor for corrective discipline and, in particular, corporal punishment. As a rod was used to drive a predator away from a flock of sheep or to separate wheat from chaff, so it was used to drive away or remove folly from the heart of a child.
Does this mean that the Bible explicitly requires the use of a stick? Not necessarily. Again, the reference to a “rod” is a metaphor for corporal punishment in general and not one individual instrument in particular. A faithful application of the text could involve a “spank stick,” a paddle or some sort, a wooden spoon, a leather belt, or even the hand.
So, are we saying that corrective discipline exclusively involves a “rod?” Not at all. Proverbs 29, for example, mentions both "rod and reproof," showing that they are related, but distinct things. In other words, all uses of the “rod” involve reproof, but not all reproof involves the “rod.” To say it yet another way, reproof and other non-corporal forms of discipline (like timeout, taking away toys, etc.) are often faithful supplements to the rod, but are not substitutes for it. Again, as the Scriptures attest, mere words are not sufficient.
So while other forms of discipline are good and helpful, it is overwhelmingly clear that the biblical expectation is of some form of corporal punishment or, in today's vernacular, spanking. While our culture is increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of spanking, such discomfort is not owing to interpretation of the biblical text, but rather to cultural trends rooted in unbiblical presuppositions.
From Theology to Practice: Principles for Discipline
To this point, we have simply tried to communicate a theology of discipline. Applying that theology to practical situations takes wisdom that cannot be exhaustively communicated in a blog. However, we did want to articulate a few principles to keep in mind as you seek to live out this theology in your parenting.
Beware of “either/or” thinking on formative and corrective discipline. Again, faithful parenting involves both instruction in good character and correction for bad. The more faithful you are in proactive formative discipline and reactive corrective discipline, the less you will have to engage in the latter over time.
Establish clear boundaries to spanking. For example, it is important to have clear lines established regarding the number of spankings a child will receive corresponding to the egregiousness or number of instances of the disobedience. In other words, if your child hits another child, the number of spankings might be greater than if he were to refuse to obey your command to “come here.” Likewise, the number of spankings might increase to a certain extent if the child refuses to obey your command to “come here,” once, and then twice, then three times, etc. Additionally, boundaries like not breaking the skin, not striking the head or other more vulnerable parts of the child’s body, what instruments are acceptable, etc., need to be clearly established. Such boundaries relate not only to rules regarding how you should spank, but also what behavior warrants a spanking. In other words, you need to clearly communicate to your kids what is and what is not acceptable behavior so that they know when they are crossing the line into disobedience.
Consider the immediate context. If at all possible, spanking should be reserved for a more private setting. As culture is increasingly secular, public spanking might be unwise. But more importantly, there is the issue of your child's dignity to consider. The goal is to correct behavior through the application of physical discomfort, not to exacerbate that pain through public ridicule.
Beware of under- or overreaction. Throughout Scripture, there is a principle known as lex talionis which means that the punishment should fit the crime. While telling a white lie, stealing a pack of gum from the store, and trying to push a sibling into oncoming traffic are all sins, some are worse than others and should be disciplined accordingly. In addition, this principle demands consistency. As physical disciplines like jogging must be consistent to take effect, so must the discipline of your children. If we believe discipline itself to be gracious, then we ought to be gracious in the consistent application of that discipline. In other words, parents should discipline not sometimes, but every single time there is disobedience. Inconsistent discipline by parents produces inconsistent obedience - which is otherwise known as disobedience. As with jogging, the results may not be immediate and might take years for you to see the effects, but it is worth it. Trust the process; at the end of the day, your primary goal is to be faithful, and that comes as you submit yourself to the Word of God and act in accordance with His commands, regardless of the present perception of results.
Beware of emotional responses. As we have seen in the Scriptures above, the motivation for any discipline (whether spanking or not) should be love, not primarily anger or frustration. If necessary, take a few seconds to breathe and remind yourself of the hope of discipline before applying it. That said, many parents who don't want to "spank in anger" think that means that they have to wait until they are perfectly calm to discipline their kids. Not only is this wishful thinking, but could confuse a small child who is disciplined long after disobeying. Not "spanking in anger" simply means don't let your anger be the reason you spank them (it should be because they disobeyed). It doesn't mean you have to wait until you're perfectly happy before you discipline.
Begin and end with conversation. Make sure the child knows why they are being spanked and that you are doing so because you love them. This step is really important even if you think you're child is too young to grasp the significance. If nothing else, it builds a habit in you of always connecting corrective corporal punishment to formative instruction. In addition, you may need to occasionally follow up with an apology if you realize that you were too aggressive, or angry, or otherwise sinful in your application of the discipline. While discipline itself is not sinful, it can be applied sinfully and when it is, parents should be quick to model confession and apology.
Have other tools in the toolbox. When it comes to spanking, there are two dangers for parents to avoid. The first is that we would never spank. Given the fact that corporal punishment is literally the only form of discipline explicitly mentioned in Scripture, to neglect it entirely would be unfaithful. At the same time, the fact that the Bible only mentions corporal punishment doesn't mean that all other forms of discipline are prohibited. Instead, the use of rewards, time outs, restriction of privileges, etc. can all be faithful supplements to a healthy and holistic view of disciplinary action. This is particularly important as children get older (teenagers for instance) and spanking becomes less helpful or wise.
Putting all of these principles in practice would look something like the following:
Determine if it was actual disobedience. While you don't want to excuse disobedience, neither do you want to neglect to take into account a legitimate extenuating circumstance. For example, there is a difference between a kid screaming because he didn't get his way and one screaming because he stepped on a nail that is currently stuck in his foot.
Take the child to a private area (again, the goal is not public humiliation).
Ask the child if they know why they are being spanked, what they did wrong, etc. Try to help them see that the root issue isn't just the outward action, but the deeper issue of disobedience. They are being disciplined for their disobedience to you (their God-given authority), and thus to God.
Spank the child. How hard and how many times? It depends on the child and the offense, but generally, you should spank as many times and as hard as is necessary to produce the intended response (help the child to realize that the disobedience is not worth the consequence).
You should communicate to the child that trying to protest getting a spanking or trying to block the spanking is an additional act of disobedience, and therefore will warrant an additional spanking.
Reaffirm your love for the child and give them a bit of time to compose themselves before returning to a public setting.
Do it all over again as often as is necessary (i.e. as often as the particular disobedience occurs).
Conclusion
If parents are going to recover a healthy view of corporal punishment, they must first have a biblical view of discipline. That begins and ends with acknowledging that discipline is rooted in love and motivated by the good of the person who is being disciplined. Though unpleasant at the time, it is ultimately for their good and ultimate joy. Therefore, may we be willing to reject our own cultural assumptions, repent of our unbiblical presuppositions, and believe the Word of God for the sake of those whom we love.
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:11)